Case studies and views of members of mothers for justice
case 1
"Hi I'm being taken to court by my sons father. When i found out i was pregnant he turned really nasty trying to bully me into having an abortion through the whole of my pregnancy. He is still trying to bully me now, when our son was born he wasn't bothered at all about him, then he parents fell out with me and wont come round to see their grandson, because of this the father is taking me to court to get alone access, i let my sons father come round mine twice a week to see our son each visit for a couple of hours (twice a week was his idea) Ive offered him extra visits each week he said he wasn't interested, wanted our son on his own. I have a big problem with all of this because i still breast feed, have never left my son, his father is unstable has said he wants to kill his self lots, makes comments about running off with my son, has no idea how to look after him etc. I have told my solicitor all of this but she has been very negative says that cafcass will listen to me and the father in court then make a decision, even if i tell cafcass every thing she says they might not believe me. I am so worried for my child's safety really scared about them granting him alone access in court. "My ex husband and I split up in 2002. Finally getting divorced in 2005, Still awaiting a finalisation of our case because of our daughter. She is now 5.
I too have suffered from psychological and emotional abuse. My ex-husband thinks that it is "funny" to drag up my past mistakes into a court arena. Then threaten myself and my partner out of court by means of his brother sending letters on the internet threatening to kill me. He also has a girlfriend in Virginia whom finds it funny to send e-mails to Social Services, The government, nhs and health authorities in my area. I have had to move BOTH of my children my partner and myself from our previous address due to actual stalking and cyberstalking/ harassment.
To cut a long story short "our" daughter DOES not want to see her father. My partner does not want to be the mediator anymore and I am being accused of breaking the court order.
I am being "forced" to make my daughter see her father by MY solicitor and she compares it to encouraging your child to see the doctor when they don't want to go. I have written a step-by-step guide to the father reference our daughters asthma and her medication but my daughter tells me that he ignored this and threw it in the bin. Our daughter has been on deaths door with her asthma attacks twice now in a year. The judge doesn't seem to take it into consideration that this is being ignored.
The father tries to make out he is bothered about the change in school (because I never conferred beforehand). Actually, his solicitor was given a letter with the address on three weeks before we moved. Surely he should have said something then. Hasten to add since we moved in September he has called the school once and that was at the beginning. To top it all he is complaining all the time that I am filling our daughters head with rubbish and not letting her speak to him. (she has her own mobile and she disconnects him because she doesn't want to speak).
The police are actually involved with this family but just cannot get enough evidence together (even though I have books full) to precisely pinpoint harassment. once we have this I can stop his brother turning up at court and victimising and harrassing myself and my partner. My partner is now on anti-depressants. We have had to endure numerous Social Services referrals lead by the father. We moved because my full name and address were placed on the internet in the same context as calling me a child abuser by the fathers girlfriend. We have not and will not be giving out our address here and because of this the father is angry. I do have a little boy to consider too. I find that this is not looked at fully in the courts.
case 3
"my ex and I are going through court, I don't think I have ever been heard once, been almost 4 years now since he took my babies, because he could. He mentally and physically abused me, cheated on me and then took my children.
He has bullied me into thinking I was worthless, good for nothing, he even tried to make me believe that I was the one who was being unfaithful in the relationship! I don't feel like I am being taken seriously, I feel like my voice is being completely ignored. I have tried every angle I can possibly find, social workers, police, solicitors etc, and none of them can see!!
My ex-partner has falsely accused me on more than several occasions, these are believed by the courts wereas my voice is completly blanked....why is this? Even now he'll show his true colours to me but never to his solicitor, social workers or the courts, he'll always put on this show, it's a joke and I want justice served, not just for me but for all of us, this has gone on too long and it's beyond a joke!!! "
case 4
"My ex does pay maintenance, but he has minimum contact with his dd, mostly that suits me fine, but I do find myself resenting the fact that he can turn up for a couple of hours on a Saturday, play with her and of course, she thinks daddy is just the bees knees. That is so easy for him, while I have to do all the juggling of work and childcare to ensure that we have a decent standard of living.
I am divided on whether the CSA and access should be linked. I think it is important for children to know who their fathers are, but I agree that there is a feeling that as long as the father pays his maintenance (and who can live on that btw) and turns up occasionally to see his child, then he's doing a great job. For me personally, there is a part of me that thinks if I didn't need his money, I'd rather that he was just not in our lives at all, but I know that is not fair on dd, and I would never refuse her contact with her father. I think as a single parent, trying to do the best for your child, you just have to swallow a lot of the unfairness of the situation.
But F4J and all this stuff about parental alienation syndrome etc makes me want to throw up. My ex walked out for someone he barely knew because he didn't want the responsiblity of his child. And had had enough of me. How is that acting in her best interests????
"my ex actually phoned the CSA and complained that he shouldn't have to pay any money because he hardly ever sees his son (just during the school holidays).
I think he's getting the child support mixed up with a pay per view satellite tv arrangement!!!
It was him who moved 240 miles away to go live near his dear mummy!"
case 6
"The mental and emotional abuse that I've suffered has left me with anxiety attacks and depression. I don't feel like I'm ever going to recover and he continues to abuse me by taking me to court for the slightest thing. He is a cheap, nasty bully and I hope he gets what he deserves."
case 7
"Re:changes I'd like to see in the law:Psychological testing for both parties - especially those cases that keep returning to court. Genuine mothers are being lumped together with the vindictive ones so that now no-one is believed - we're all just being tarred with the same brush and children are being put at risk.
Removal of politics from the Family Court System and Cafcass. They're so obsessed with keeping the Government happy and insisting on unsafe contact that children are being forgotten about and put at risk.
Compulsory counselling for people who keep taking someone to court - to focus their minds on the children and remind them that repeatedly taking someone to court is stressful and damaging to families.
Better measures to deal with bullying and abusive fathers. Referral to a Psychiatrist, personality profiling, counselling, anger management, treatment for alcoholism etc. should be available for fathers with problems. Bullies and control freaks should never have free run of the family court system and should be weeded out and either treated or ignored.
Stop threatening mothers with a change of residence if they try to thwart contact due to welfare reasons - they should investigate properly to see if the fears are genuine instead of threatening to take our children from us.
Better handover arrangements - better organisation of contact centres. Some of us simply don't wish to ever see our abusers and would rather that someone else helped with handovers.
They should listen to the children properly - not simply get a Cafcass (trained monkey) to talk to them. Properly qualified Child Psychologists (independent from court system and political pressure) should talk to these children to find out their feelings and not just assume that 'nasty mummy has been turning you against dear, sweet daddy'.
As for the CSA. They should sort the whole system out and perhaps even hand things over to the Inland Revenue. They should not reward fathers for having more children with new partners if they have been refusing to pay for the ones they already have. There should be reduction due to second families.
They should conduct proper investigations if fathers try to conceal how much they have esp. the self-employed. Paying £5.00 per week while driving around in an Audi should stop - these fathers are taking the p*ss.
There should be some sort of follow-up after contact orders have been issued. Mothers should be given the chance to talk to someone about any difficulties and fears they have. The courts just issue them and there's no follow-up to actually find out if things are working out."
case 8
"I´m British living in Germany (since 1996) and have two wonderful children aged 10 and 11 yrs old. I won´t go into too many details but my ex is deceitful, manipulative and totally unconnected to his children and "stole" them away from me just to as he said "finish me off".
He lied in court and manipulated the child services (he comes over as the perfect charmer and hard done to)
He then proceeded to move 800km away.
I have been battling for four years now we have had court hearings (all in Germany due to the habitual residancy of the children) and the last few months we have been dealing with psychological evaluations as he wants sole custody.
My children want to come back home and basically he does not give a sh** about how they feel. Their schooling has gone drastically down hill and my youngest (admitted to court and psychologist) just can´t manage anymore, he is so upset about being seperated from me. My eldest is also unhappy but doesn´t "rock the boat" because "dad" loses control and has been hitting them and he is scared incase he gets hit (mainly my youngest who bears the brunt of everything).
I am now sincerely hoping that these so called "professionals" will see the error of their ways and really decide what is "in the best interest of the children" ....well that´s supposedly the law. If they don´t make the right decision now my children will be devestated moved from pillar to post (he wants to leave for Canada) and as it is he does not allow them to see their grandparents or other extended family!!!!!!!!
My heart breaks for my two angels and I am praying that justice will be done and the courts will see him for what he truly is."
case 9 "Iwould like to share my story with the so many mums that have been through so much pain and heartache... case 10 "when i first found this site i cried when i got a response because i knew at last somebody understood". case 11 "im 27 my son is now 6. i met my partner who is 10 years older than me when i was 15, I became homeless at 19 and it was his idea for me to move in with him. We fell head over heels in love. We were happy but things changed the night i found out i was pregnant he beat me up for the first time dragged me over glass split my lip. The last time he assulted me bearing in mind ive been given a bind over not to contact him he came round to my house, feeling very low as grandmother just died from alzhimers the only person whos ever been there for me, i let him in this time he assulted me i had him charged if not for me for my gran i knew she was there watching i coulnt even grieve for her because all i could think about was him and what she might have seen. all he got was a £100 fine the cost for beating your girlfriend and murdering a innocent unborn child. i hope one day he will get his cummupence. My son thinks the sun shines out his back side although case 12
When I first came to London it was just for a couple of months, I had finished university and decided to take a year off.
After a month in London I met my ex husband on new years eve 1991. We got on immediately, like a house on fire, and within a month we were living together. Things were great for the first 4 years, we use to have fun, go out, enjoy life. Then we decided to buy our first home together, that is when things started to go wrong. After buying the flat, 6 months later he decided that he needed a break, he was confused, it was basically his quarter of a century life crisis. Ok, so we broke up and we were separated for 3 months, when he asked me to return. So I gave it another chance.
When we got back together, after many promisses that he made, we decided that it was time to have a kid, so I got pregnant and our first daughter was born. I can say that it was a very difficult preganancy due to the lack of support. He would go out until all hours of the night, wouldnt call, and if he did call he would say that he was on his way back, and would arrive 3 hrs later.
Sleepless nights, heartache, waiting for him, night after night.
Our daughter was born, I hoped that things would change and that he would be more present, he was at first, but once the novelity wore off it went back to what it was, sleepless nights waiting for him, monday to sunday... always with a pathetic excuse.
Then I got pregnant with our 2nd daughter, it was unexpected... but I was happy, a sister for my baby, when I told him about the pregnancy he tried to look happy, but his eyes didnt lie.
Another horrible and difficult pregnancy, I had a split pelvis due to the baby being so heavy. As always, the sleepless nights would continue and to arrive home late, with lame explanations... I was stressed , tired working and taking care of my youngest one and going through a hard pregnancy. Yet no support.
Our second daughter was born and he was even more absent than ever... With our second daughter he wouldnt even bother changing her nappy, just giving me orders.
I went back to work 5 months later. At the same time we decided to buy a cafe so he could have something of his own and feel more secure. So we remortgaged the flat and bought the business.
Although I had my full time job as an Interpreter and Mother, I would manage the accounts of the Cafe and go there twice a week so he could leave earlier and get the kids from school and the minder, so he could spend some quality time with them. He was suppose to pick our eldest one at 3.25 and the youngest one at 3.40. Do you actually think he would do so? NO! I would get calls from the childminder telling me that she had to get her from school because the dad didnt turn up.
He would finally turn up at the minders house at about 6pm, I would get home at 9pm, the kids were still not bathed or fed properly! So I would have to do it myself.
If I had to work weekend as an interpreter for the Home Office, I would ask him to look after the kids, it would be as if I was asking for the moon!
He would get so annoyed because he would be missing his football match.
I remember when I was pregnant with my second child , my blood count was so low that they wanted to admit me into hospital, when I rang my ex to tell him ,he said, who will take care of our kid! So I ended up going home...
I got pregnant once more! You must be asking why?? It was a lapse...
But I was happy, I love my kids... And maybe deep down inside, I was hoping that some sense would come to him... stupid it is, but hope is the last to die!
I was pregnant, I told him... he said: you feed one mouth you feed 3.
The pregnancy was hard, working as an interpreter, working in the cafe, taking care of the kids, and my Peter Pan syndrome husband out till all hours of the morning!
The stress was so bad that my little boy died 1 week before his due date...
It was so hard, so sad.... my marriage was in shambles... I was unhappy, and my Son had passed away... more pain to deal with...
My ex made more promisses, and more promisses, at the funeral he threw himself on our Sons grave and cried.... At home he said to me:"I promiss on our son's grave that things will be different from now on."
My response to that was: "I did one of the hardest things in my life which was to bury my baby son... if God gave me the strength to do that he will give the strength to leave you if things dont change...."
And I gathered the courage to do so... Things didnt change, I needed so much support to put up with the pain due to my loss... Losing my son was like losing a limb, every year when it is his bday it is like my scar starts to bleed, all the pain returns, it is always there but on these dates it seems to be stringer... Well time went and nothing.... the first month he was around then it all went back to what it was.....
So I ended it...
When we first separated he would have the kids every saturday to sunday... But when it was inconvinient he would just not come. Parties, women, friends were always priority.
We had barely separated and there was already another woman sleeping around in his house with the kids there! My eldest would return angry.... So much so she has been in therapy for the last 2 yrs.
At the beginning he would pay his share of the mortgage, but wouldnt pay maintenance for the kids.
Then one day he asked to take them abroad for 30 days, I said no to that, what guarantee would I have of seeing them again??
So he never picked the kids up again. Not a phone call to them... nothing... and he vanished for almost 2 yrs... when he began going to their school and waiting for them on their way out, yelling to them...
I had to get an injunction against him.
We ended up in court, a very nasty divorce, financially he dumped me with a massive mortgage, an overdraft that the cafe had generated.... and no money for his kids. I was granted in our financial part of the divorce the flat where I live, he kept the business. He was ordered to pay me a sum towards the overdraft until it was cleared. He payed twice and so far that was all.
We went for a CAFCASS report, he lied non stop to the officer, but she was able to see through him, and it was ordered that he could see his kids through a contact centre.
Contact began in February this year, but only twice he saw them why? because he had to go away on his holiday for 50 days! Oh yes, because before in december he had gone skiing in Austria.
Poor thing then he says he hasnt money to pay maintenance towards his kids, his own flesh and blood!
The damage that this man has caused to the kids is unbelievable.
I am not against him seeing the kids, I just would like him to live up to his responsibilities.
The court ordered him to do a drug test, he was suppose to do it in July last year, but he only got round to doing it in November. Why? so he could clean himself for 3 months do the test, then go back to his old habits.
How can a man like that, that puts his needs before his kids be trusted with them?
He plasters pictures of them all over the net, on his websites, where he brags non stop about his trips and the good time he is having.
All I can say is that sometimes a great loss, like losing my son is hard, but sometimes you need something hard to happen so you can wake up.
Yes I was naive, yes I was in love, and having the kids made it even harder to leave... But finally the day came and I managed to do it.....
I am doing what I can to get justice... It is not the money the issue here... It is the principal of the matter... It is your responsibility as a parent (mother or father) to be sure that your kids are fully supported morally, emotionally and finacially.
I am not bitter towards men, I have found a fantastic man that is now part of our lives and that the kids love a lot and this love is fully reciprocated.
All I would like is for people to live up to their responsibilities, if they do not want to, then just turn your back and let the child have the best future possible.
Thank you for taking your time reading this."
Natacha, London
He continued for a few more months to slap me drag me emotionally and sexually abuse me and i let him i loved him i couldnt understand how the man i love could change so much i put it down to his mum dying the week before.
My heart was breaking at three months pregnant i ended up in hospital having swallowed painkillers wanting to kill myself a few days later he kicked me out onto the streets a few days before my first baby scan. my mum told me i deserved it because i was a bitch.
i soon learnt hed got arrested, thankfully i could go to the house i lived in with him,home, he rang me and asked me to look after all his stuff saying you are my mrs and geuss what i said yes.
He got 1 year for abh ,4yrs for intent to supply, all in all 5 years to run concurrent to 4 serving 2 and a half years. I visited every week I even took our son in when he was three days old.The hardest thing was actually giving birth wishing he could be there but knowing he was locked up i loved him so much he was all i had in the world i wanted things to work i wanted a family my family i didnt want to be a single mum.
For 2 years he wrote that hed changed he loved me and things were going to be different i belived him. he came home to live with me when our son was 2 and a half. The first week it had started again,the abuse only this time jake was invovled watching it getting caught in the crossfire i had no one, i didnt know how i was going to carry on. I took it for a few months then i told him he had to go the day he left he knocked me unconscious with a bat in front of our 3 year old son all i can remeber is falling to the floor hearing my son screaming my name.
Literaly the next morning he moved out and i started throwing up i realised i was pregnant, i became very ill sick and losing blood more than anything i was emotionaly drained i was on auto pilot i coulnt stop crying, i was told at hospital alone and with my son by my side that id got a massive blood clot in my womb. I went home, it didnt even sink in what was happening to me. At the time he was also constantly harrasing me sneaking into my house, holding objects to my throat, cutting phone lines, kicking my door in ,ringing ,texting.
One day after he came and emptied all of the stuff from the house leaving me with a bunkbed to sleep in with our son, i woke up at 3 am in the morning hemoraging, if the feeling of wet blood hadn't woke me i would have bleed to death i was rushed to hospital i didnt just lose my baby i had to go through a medical abortion to stop the blood clot, mark looked after jake that night i lost my baby i will never forget.
I carried on, i got back with him, more abuse, but i still loved him how could i live without him.
The story goes that this circle continued and the abuse escualted i had an abortion which i will never forgive my self for but after having severe post natal depression i didnt want to bring another child into my world a decesion i live to regret. In the end i smashed up his flat one day out of anger pain abuse and for my unborn children and guess what i got charged with harrasment, even though he was allowed to harass me for over 7 years he kicked my front door of its hinges 5 times and cut my phonelines the police have been called out more times than i can remember yet i get charged with harrasment.
Well i did lower myself to his standards follows a messy court battle ive been awarded custody but i stiil have been dragged through the courts made to feel like a criminal like it was me that did somthing wrong being accused that because of my depression i couldnt look after my son ect.. you probably know how the story goes?
Having to go over the story time and time again reliving the nightmare having to explain and justify my actions. He tore me to pieces i will never be the same person, he still continues to hurt me. his new girlfriend a nurse recently followed me from the contact centre and then rang me to let me know and discuss the phycologists report telling me that my son is immature, if only she could feel the reasons why. This doesn't cover half of my story just little glimpses.
just recently i think he is starting to realise what his dad is like as he
always telling me he loves me when he comes back from his dads and cuddling me he looks so sad when he comes home it is normal for my son he has never known things to be any different and the courts wont allow me to teach him otherwise they are justifying what his dad has done is ok, its out of my hands."
As a child I knew I was different from other people. I could sense things and that kind of spooked me. Able to sense unease but unable to process the feelings that followed caused me to act somewhat strange. My parents violent battles came and went on a frequent basis, leaving a trail of terror emobossed on bloodstained carpets and woodwork. My heightened sense of alertness forced me to act out in nonsensical ways offering others around me reason to believe and question my sanity. As an innocent and vulnerable child surrounded by grown ups that preferred to regards me as the fruit loop as opposed to examining their own bizare behaviours I was doomed to a very long and bumpy ride on lifes biggest rollercoaster ride. I was totally powerless and was just frozen ice as it threw me around for so many years. Unable to stop the rollercoaster I was imprisoned in a life of what can only be described as a living nightmare in hell.
Traumatised and in shock after every mind and body leaving experience caused by the sheer force of lifes rollercoaster, I believed having children would stop the ride and allow me to get off. I wanted to get off and escape into a world that I knew would provide an alternative lifestyle to the pain I was experiencing. Wanting to wrap myself up in a world of unadulterated purity,(or so I believed). I had three children. My first born was subjected to sexual awareness by my father at the tender age of three. My second child was dragged down with the first child as social services were unable to decipher the code of emotional abuse and PAS. So they saved themselves the expense and bother by simply removing both children and gave them to their father!. It bothered the NOT that the father hated me for throwing him out and making his life difficult. His spilt out anger directed towards the children that forced them into fearing and hating me was not a concern to the SS. The hatred and confusion that lay smouldering within my first born child manifested itself in a manner that led me back to the court room answering to child abuse queries. I was suspected of sexually abusing my son aged three years old! I was told that allowing him to suckle on my breast after having been removed from my care was sexually abusive and that I was not to see my children unsupervised. My explanation to the court stating that my son's actions to go for my breast on seeing me after being separated from me was natural and not wrong, nor did it bare any sexual intention made no difference. After all, it was my first born whom had been sexually abused by my father who made the allegation alongside her vindictive father whom at this point had legal custody!.
Years later and still fighting in the courts (needlesly dare I say) I re-married. BIG MISTAKE! Aong comes child number three, all was great apart from the fact I had married a psycho from hell. Two refuges later I was told by social services leave this mans house and take my child or else they would. So I left. Four years later here I am yet again, CHILDLESS!!! HOW?. Easy!!!!. Social Services and the law yet again drawn into a case history riddled with he say she say with little or no evidence to vindicate either party. All they could say was the likelihood of any person sexually abusing a child would be one that has been viciim to a dysfunctional background. Makes sense to anyone that is detached and unknowing right?? however, This also leaves room for any undesireable character to come along and make good use of such an unfortunate history. To cut a long story short.
No I have not sexually abused my children in any way shape or form.
The two partners that I had children with exhibited at great length extreme measures to see my children removed in order to hurt me. Yes they are guilty, Yes my children are no doubt suffering.
So where am I now?..Well, after several years of feeling guilt pain trauma alcohol abuse and other self harming behaviours I am now working as a NANNY!! Yes that's right, you read me correctly, I care for children and not only that I actually am probably the highest paid and reputable Nanny in the world! I will not reveal my fees however I will tell you I AM NOT LYING NOR AM i EXAGERATING.
I suddenly awoke from the dark imprissoned hell I was sent to and put back into the field of work I am bet suited. PARENTING!
I hope my story gives hope strength and courage to all fellow victims of PAS, INJUSTICE, ABUSE, ETC. I pulled the pins out from my hands and feet and have flown my cross. I am no longer their victim and ths is the best gift I can give to my children as one day they will read my book as they seek knowledge and understanding on how to break free from the crucifictin of the heart.
May god watch over you all as he watched over me but may you all look up and smile back at him.
Shelley
case 13
I am the single mother of a toddler i did not choose to be a single mother but found that once i fell pregnant by my baby's father after a relationship of only 9 months I became a victim of domestic abuse. Once i was pregnant my ex partner felt that he could then abuse me verbally, physically and emotionally. He refused to accept his responsibilities as a father to be and we split up when i was three months pregnant.
He continued to harass me and abuse me at every chance he could, lulling me into a false sense of security to get to me. Just before our son was born i escaped to have my baby in safety and then later moved not telling him where i was living as he had contested paternity when our son was born. Since moving he has found my address and he and his family began to harass me further.
He has applied to the courts now for a contact order and PR but only after his child was a year old and he had insisted on a DNA test.
I am now faced with being taken to court my ex threatened that he would drag me through court to get custody of our child at the same time he told me he would deny he was his father.
I am struggling to say the least with the process that i have been forced into adhering to with the courts i feel humiliated and am being treated as though i am a criminal. i have been told by a judge that i spend all of my time with my son and that i don't leave him as if that is wrong of me that i am being a mother to him!
I have had to disclose all of my most personal things to Caffcass and a Psychiatrist which then of course my ex gets copies of!
I can not get my head around how this is all meant to be in my child's best interests he is 20 months old. He now has a mother whom has been diagnosed with a Depressive Disorder due to what my ex has already put me through. I am breast feeding and due to everything i have had to reluctantly succumb to taking prescription medication to help with anxiety and sleep etc. I have lost motivation to mix in social groups with my son and am finding daily tasks hard some days. All of this is due to the courts supporting my child's so called right to have his father in his life. Even at the expense of his and his mothers (primary and only carers) health!
I CANNOT UNDERSTAND THE HYPOCRISY OF THE WHOLE SYSTEM IT IS FAILING OUR CHILDREN
Is it not bad enough that children have one parent who cannot accept
responsibility then they have the other made ill and less available to them because the courts feel that the father has rights to the child they(chose in my case) abandoned.
IS THIS REALLY IN THE CHILD'S BEST INTERESTS?
In society we are not allowed to put our children in the care of non registered carers but when it comes to fathers/mothers they may have never met, who have no parenting experience, are abusers etc etc we as the primary carers (resident parents) are perceived as hostile to contact if we fight to protect our children!
All i have asked for is supervised contact i myself am a child care ad visor and have lots of professional expertise in my family including child phychologly. It is clear that this system as it stands is failing our children.
I do agree that children have the right to have two parents and to have contact if parents cannot be together i understand its importance for identity etc (having fostered many children)
The presumption for contact is wrong each case is individual caffcass are appalling and have made things much worse then they were already in my case alone.
1. I feel that supervised contact should be mandatory for the first six months at least and for longer for children under 5.
2. Enhanced CRB checks on both parents should be mandatory, Ofsted would be better than caffcass at carrying out investigations and completing section 7 reports etc.
Resident parents need to be treated with more respect they are often the ones that have been there for the children no matter what. Not to be made to feel humiliated and presumed hostile when they try to make sure things are right and safe for the children whom only they know best.
Parents whom are or have been or even allege they have been abused should have better protection in courts and the system needs to give those parents time to heal( ie counselling) before forcing court proceedings.
Single parents need to have allowances made for ordered court dates when it comes to child care etc. It should not be presumed that they can just drop everything and dump the child with someone to attend court. Not everyone has someone to leave their child with and young children especially find this separation hard if its not already a familiar happening in their life already.
The court system as it stands is wrong, unfair and most of all is not protecting children's rights at all."
case 14
"I have to hand my 3 yr old daughter over every week to a man who admitted he got aroused when he saw her in her underwear. He tried to smash his fist through her face when she was one had I not thrown myself over her to protect her. He's a very sick person, he raped me during a period I had found the strength to get away from him and now to harrass me he's dragged me to court for access. I went to court armed with as much evidence as I could gather but the judge laughed at me and mocked,'yes, but what were you wearing', about the rape.
I don't recognise myself when I look in the mirror the stress of the last few years have really taken their toll. My health has deteriorated, every day is a struggle now and I see no end in sight. He has told me he's going to keep dragging me to court and harrass until I crack then he'll take me to court for residency just to hurt me and ruin my life. I had this in a text message he sent and took it to court also messages where he said he'll come and petrol bomb my house, cut my brake pipes, take our daughter off me just to know the pain will kill me, again the judge laughed and said,'f4j and families need fathers would still recommend contact and that is what i'm going to do'.
I went to as many people for help as I could, NSPCC, Womans Aid, doctors, Health Visitors etc but they all said the same thing a father has a right to see his child and to keep a diary when he starts having unsupervised contact. I had confided in my Health Visitor when my daughter was a few weeks old and I told her about him and how he came in and karate chopped the bed where she lay, she knew all the personal details the full story of how violent he was and even refered me to the womens saftey unit for help and to home safe to have my doors fitted with more secure locks and an alarm.
When it came to court I was in total disbelief when she said her manager had told her she can't back me up for court as they didn't go into the job to go to spend time going to court! I told her a letter would be ok, still she said she was sorry she knew all about him and what an evil person my ex was and she said,'i'm not supposed to say this but the only chance you'll have to keep your daughter safe from him is to run away. We have to always recommend a father sees his child and not put forward information that will make the dad look bad! So until the law changes this what I would do if I was you, go as far away as you can in the hope he will give up'.
I left in tears and couldn't take in what she had said.
During the early years when my daughter was just a baby and all the while I was breast feeding I would be in tears a lot of the time. I don't think my milk was as good as it could have been because of the tremendous stress I was under. There was one court hearing after another and with no family in my town and friends who were busy with their own children I had to sort out child care for 2 children on benefit and with health problems.
He never paid a penny in child support although he has an income that had he supported his child I could have come off benefits.
There were times I was so ill I could not go to some court hearings, instead of the hearing being put off until you are well the judge just makes an order as if you are there but without listening to important evidence or information. When I tried to appeal the decison of unsupervised contact the court made I was turned down by the legal aid board. How can they make orders so casually, without really looking at the evidence or even speaking to the mother, the main care giver, the person the child lives through.
Until I was in touch with the mums on this site I thought it was just me that had a judge that seemed to hate women so much but there are thousands of us all handing our children over to paedophiles, violent dangerous men and we are not allowed to talk about it and threatened with prison if we do.
The judge told me at the last hearing if I don't let my ex take my daughter out alone he will put me in prison or transfer the residency to him. How can they be allowed to do this, I am only trying to protect my child from a man who I know does not have my daughters best interests at heart and who should not be left alone with her.
Where is Matt O'connor now? Why is he not helping us?
He succeeded in getting every court giving any man contact, however violent or dangerous (his own partner is trying to stop her ex getting contact because of worries like this) If he was half a man he would do something now to protect our children.
Women and men will never be the same due to biology, women are the care givers, nurturers, we tolerate more when it comes to children. Men are the providers, hunters governed by tetesterone, more aggressive by nature. If something is not done now to protect our children the goverment will have to deal with childrens therapy on a scale never seen. There will be more angry dysfunctional children that ever before, children that grew up being forced to see abusers with no one listening or helping them.
My daughter has nightmares now since the contact has been unsupevised, they are nearly always the same, there is man in the dream and he's not helping her when she falls or is chasing her hurting her etc
She has started wetting the bed since and was once a lovely happy little girl but now after seeing him for the next 3 or so days that follow I have to spend a large proportion of the day hugging her telling her everything is ok when she cries saying why did you make me go.
case 15
I met my husband in march 1998 at a wedding, conceived our first child in december that year, born in 1999, married in 2000 and second child born in 2002.
Lots of people would think you would leave after the first hit, i didnt. I was 20 when we met and he was 29, divorced with 2 children, he was charming and fun to be with.
The temper and violence didnt surface until he had realised he had me right where he wanted me, i was 8 months pregnant before he actually hit me, it was after a days binge drinking and i had been left alone all day waiting, he was abusive when he returned and so i made to leave and return to my mums, the punch was hard and quick and took me completely by surprise.
I stayed because he was sorry, he was disgusted with himself for hurting me and couldnt believe what he had done and i loved him.
It was the wrong decision, things went from bad to worse.
I have had broken ribs, black eyes, broken nose, been subjected to humilliating, degrading assaults from my own husband in my own home, sometimes in front of my children.
After numerous incidents and police involvements i had a call from social services explaining that if i continued to expose my children to this environment i ran the risk of having them removed, it was the wake up call i seriously needed, my husband had even started hurting my eldest child.
I made a housing application to the local council to be rehoused and waited, i had to get my children away from this monster.
I got my house and i left, my husband carried on with the intimidation and harrassment, he followed me wherever i went, broke into my new home, took what few possesions i had and completely smashed the place up, i got an injunction and he was charged but got off with a suspended sentence.
its now been 3 years since i left him, i have had to move house again due to the ongoing harrassment, i have a new partner and a baby but my children are subject to a court order that forces them to have contact with their father against their wishes every two weeks.
The thing i have found most confusing about this whole situation is the fact that i was threatened by social services with the removal of my children because of my ex, but now they are forced to see him even though they dont want to.
